Getting What You Want Won't Make You Happy

Don't be shocked by the title of this post, I am a full blown optimist! But it wasn't until after I had experienced a life threatening illness, years of clinical depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts for me to realize what the heck happiness actually is.

As a child, growing up in America I idolized material culture without even realizing it. Spending time watching TV and movies informed me that success and happiness only comes from external sources like material wealth and  'things' that we can buy. We have all heard the saying, "Money doesn't buy happiness," but I'm not sure any of us reaaaaaly believe/d it. Of course money would make me happy, it sure as hell would make life a lot easier! But living in a culture that promotes the idea of external happiness through material wealth has seriously perverted our understanding of what happiness actually is and how to attain it.

First of all, let me just say, happiness isn't attained. It just IS. Happiness is the balanced and original state of humanity and life. Think of yourself as baby, rather - think of any baby you have ever come in contact with. Babies are the purest form of life. They exist in the state that we are forced to forget. Babies don't worry about bills, about success, about society, about family, friends, work, etc. They just exist as they are. Of course, existing in your purest state of happiness is easier said than done after spending years in a perspective of the world as a harsh, unruly place that only values people who have money or objects. But happiness truly is all around us, all we have to do is SHIFT our perspective in order to see us. We have to choose to see happiness.

Growing up I experienced certain kinds of childhood traumas that left me clinically depress and suicidal for years. I had developed and anxiety disorder and symptoms of PTSD without even realizing it. Through out my teenage years I was in and out of therapists and on any kind of medication that would leave me comatose to the world around me. Of course, no one saw what was really going on. I was skilled at diverting my depression through humor and jokes - always the 'class clown'. But once I got to college, and moved out of my parents house, these symptoms of depression and anxiety magically disappear (imagine that). But at the beginning of my sophomore year of college I was whisked back home by a life threatening, and mysterious, viral infection that would leave me bedridden for a year and fighting for my life. Needless to say, THIS was the darkest period of my life. With no hope from doctors, I often contemplated suicide just to end the amount of physical body pain I was experiencing through my un-treatable illness. I won't go too in depth with what I experienced during those years of my life. Mostly because it is still fresh, and too painful to relive publicly. But it taught me the most important lessons about my life, and motivated me to inspire and empower others to take control of their personal health and happiness.

After 3 years in therapy to treat my depression, anxiety, and PTSD (the mental health toll of a life threatening illness) and years of multiple doctors visits, alternative treatments, spiritual literature, diet changes, and natural supplements - I was able to heal myself from the inside out, and this journey taught me that happiness is not something that is attained by getting that job you want, or buying that car, or taking a trip to that place - it is attained by realizing it was there all along.

Think about it, how many times have you envisioned some object that you want - maybe a car - but once you attain that object, you go right back to however you felt before. This is because you have not realized the happiness within you. Objects will never be able to sustain a state of happiness, they may make us feel great for awhile, but eventually you always go right back to the way you were feeling before.

So, how do we realize that we create our own happiness? Basically, we have to stop trying to get happiness. Give up on being happy. Giving up allows you to truly let happiness into your life. If you are striving for happiness, you are ignoring the happiness that is already there - your focus is still external to yourself. Happiness isn't always easy, and we may not live in an eternal state of bliss. But accepting the happiness within you, and making an effort to change your perspective, truly allows you to be happy NOW, rather than in some imaginary future when you have everything you want.

Now is all we have, and happiness is there for the taking!
I hope this post will inspire you to make small changes through out your day that will aide you in shifting your perspective as to allow more happiness to naturally occur in your life, everyday.

Until next time,
Feast From Within
xoxo

Spirituality and Chronic Pain

- An Ever Present Awareness of the Body-

Living with chronic pain and chronic illness has brought me closer to the ever present awareness of the human form, the body. I am in constant awareness of my body. What affects my body. 

My mood. 

My surrounding. 

Stress. Emotions. 

What I eat. 

How much I sleep. 

Exercise.

Friendships. 

Relationships. 

Family.

Everything affects how my body feels. 

Living with chronic pain or chronic illness raises awareness of what we put our body through. Even small daily occurrences - like going to the store - can become large, painful, and stressful events. We are forced to be constantly aware of limits and our surroundings. 

We begin to rationalize our lives. Try to see what we have time and energy to 'fit' in. It becomes a formula, a format. We begin to think, 

" Do I have the time or energy for this relationship?"

"Do the costs of time, energy, and pain outweigh the benefits of this relationship?"

"Do I have the energy to go to the store?"

To work? 

To have a 'life'?

We MUST consider these things daily. Often we plan our day around small events in order to have just enough energy and painless moments to do the smallest of things (shop, shower, socialize. etc)

We begin to think, "Is this life?"

Dark thoughts have easy access to our minds. They begin to make homes in our consciousness. We begin to feel lost. A complete sense of independence stolen, causing a devastating loss in our sense-of-self, our core identity gone. 

We want to be able to do everything again. To do what everyone else can do. We want to play with the other kids again. We don't want to sit on the sidelines anymore. 

But, chronic pain is a blessing. 

It is a gift.

Granted, it was never a gift I wanted. And it was not cherished when first received. It was placed in the deepest, darkest corner of the psyche. 

IT was rejected. 

It was ignored. 

So that it could not be real. 

But it is real.

 It is present. 

And it is NOT going away.

It wasn't the gift I wanted. But it was the gift I got. And it had a lot to teach me. 

The real gift wasn't the pain, but the awareness. 

I used to be so proud of my independence. I didn't think I needed anyone for anything and I thought I could do everything on my own. In my reality, I could take care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally - and no one could tell me differently. 

But now I realize that it was all an illusion. My idea of independence wasn't self-reliance, it was self-sabotage, it was based in FEAR.

FEAR of others.

FEAR of love. 

FEAR of care.

I didn't want to ask anyone for help, because I didn't truly believe that I would get it, and if I did I thought it would come iwht a price - I would be hurt, somehow, emotionally. If I let myself open-up and be vulnerable, someone could crawl in and tear out the parts of me that could still feel. 

This fear of relying on, or opening up to others is truly a result of childhood. An aspect of life that deeply affects us all. Growing up in a home where I was not cared for mentally, physically, or emotionally by my parents - instilled in me a sense that I can not trust those who are the closest to me. That I can not trust those whom I am truly dependent on. That I can not expect others to take care of me. 

This realization was terrifying. At a young age, an age where I was dependent on others to care for me, I felt so abandoned. So alone. So afraid that I would not survive. I am surprised I survived. I don't know how.

But I did. 

I survived.

and I thrived. 

And then I got ill. Once I got sick I was thrown right back into a state of complete dependence on others. Complete dependence in order to survive. I was in the exact state I was in as a child. I could not care for myself, and my needs were often neglected by my parents. 

I was left praying to die. 

Somehow I didn't

I don't know why.

I was forced to be completely dependent on others - and I hated it! I didn't trust anyone and I thought the world was cruel for forcing me to face death, forcing me to pray for death, and forcing me to abandon all previous experiences or ideas of self, of independence. 

I had to look at the darkest aspects of life. I saw them. I saw the infinite darkness. Infinity. Existence. Death. I saw them all in the face and I didn't loose myself. I came back. I didn't die.

To this day I still struggle with what it means to be 'independent'. Chronic pain and illness has stripped me of my previous beliefs that 'I don't need anyone' and 'I don't need help'.

Chronic pain and illness forced me to realize that I do need help, that we all need help. And this was the gift that kept on giving. 

Humans have humans. 

That is how we survive. 

That is how we thrive. 

We care for each other. 

And in doing so we care for ourselves.

Understanding our helplessness. Our reliance on each other to continue living. To continue thriving. To continue existing on this Earth - Opened my awareness to what it means to be independent.

We are not separate.

We are not each our own. 

We are one.

There is no independence,

There is only interdependence