Many days I spend time wondering if I'm working hard enough, if there is more I can be doing, if I need to be more proactive about my health, or if my health will prohibit me from achieving my goals. Before I got sick, I spent my teenage years being active in athletics, community service, and after school group activities. I was the stereotypical overachiever who wanted to be involved in any and every group possible. Back then, success meant being the 'best' and winning awards. My entire self-worth was derived from the success I felt from the outward accomplishments I could achieve. To me, the more recognition I got, the more successful and worthy I felt. But my idea of success was radically changed once I became ill.
It has been five years since I first fell ill in 2009, and I still struggle with my definition of success daily. My old paradigms of material gain and outward recognition still color my perception of how successful I feel. My emotions usually fluctuate between feeling like I'm not working hard enough, to worrying that I will never amount to anything in my life. Recently I have realized that my current definition of success is detrimental to my personal outlook, and quite frankly it is a result of poor self-worth and self-image. In my definition of success, I'm using all of the outward accomplishments I can achieve as a filler for a lack of inner self-worth and self-love.
Self-worth/self-love is an inherently hard concept to cultivate in any individual, regardless of chronic illness; however, I have found that living with a chronic illness makes self-love even harder. It shines a harsh light on our vulnerabilities, insecurities, and true feelings about ourselves. For example, I have spent my whole life defining my success and self-worth through the eyes of others, and I only felt that I was worthy of love if I could accomplish something and get attention. And, now, living with a chronic illness I am FORCED to redefine success and how I view myself.
Living with fibromyalgia, I can not accomplish as many outward goals as others. I can't compete in physical activities, run a marathon, go back packing through Europe, etc. I have to make sure I get enough sleep, eat the correct diet, take my medication, have time to rest through out the day, and most often I have to depend on others for support. It kills me to think that there are things in this world that I may not ever be able to achieve or places I may never be able to visit, but I am slowly learning that not achieving those things is o.k. In my mind, I'm only worthy if I have traveled the world, been on adventures, made a lot of money, and achieved acclaim in my career. It drives me crazy that I still live near my hometown, that I haven't seen as much of the world as I want to, and that I haven't made an extreme headway in my career. There is something in me that believes if I do not accomplish these Type- A goals, my life will be worth nothing, or that no one will value me, or that I am wasting my life due to my chronic illness. And yes, there are things in life that my chronic illness will not allow me to do - but I'm starting to realize that all of those limiting beliefs t are bullshit.
Think about it, why are we all striving for success and acclaim? In one way or another, most of us are trying to fill a void that wasn't tended to as children. We are trying to fill that hole with material things, cars, jobs, money, etc. just because we don't believe we are incapable of seeing our inherent worthiness. We are trying to cover up our insecurities, because somewhere, deep down, most of us don't believe we are worthy of love unless we are able to accomplish something. Each day is a struggle for me to understand that I am worthy, not because I accomplish something, but I am worthy merely for just being me.
Sometimes I get lost in this world. It is hard living with a chronic illness. Each day is frustrating and painful and the fear that I am missing out on life can be incredibly heartbreaking. I believe that each person deserves to experience the full potential of their lives, and quite often, living with a chronic illness can make someone feel like their life has been taken away from them. But, on those days when my self-doubt is at its worst, I just have to stop and remember what I have and what I am capable of doing. I may not be able to do everything that everyone else can do, but I can still do a lot. I have come a long way from being bedridden. I'm fortunate enough that I have gotten a hold on my chronic illness, to the extent that I can work, I have traveled abroad once, and I am able to walk and enjoy life again.
Each day it is important to remember that we define our own success. Success is different for everyone, and it is never a replacement for self-worth. Being mindful of how we view ourselves, how we view success, and what we say to ourselves in our own heads can be incredibly enlightening if we just take the time to slow down and be mindful of our thoughts. Don't even compare your life journey to that of another. Each of us is inherently worthy to be alive and to be loved just by being us. We all have our own paths and our own parts to play in life, and the journey can take some amazing turns. Five years ago I thought I was going to die and that I was never going to be healthy again, but now I am grateful to say that I live a very blessed life with many opportunities to accomplish some of my goals - and so can you.
While this blog post might seem like I have rambled on about success, self-love, and self-worth, all I want you to take away from this is that our idea of material gain as success is usually bullshit. That we ARE worthy of being loved even though we are sick, and that there is always the possibility of things getting better. Never give up, and never let anyone define your success but you.
Until Next Time,
Feast From Within
xoxo
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