Most of the time I go through life feeling as though I'm living on autopilot. My only focus is moving one step at a time in the direction towards rebuilding my life and making it one of optimal health and well-being. But, it is rare (if ever) that I am able to stop and realize how far I have come. However, yesterday that realization came right up and bit me in the ass, and it was fantastic! Let me explain.
When I first became ill in 2009, I had just began dating my first boyfriend. This was HUGE for me. I was twenty years old and finally felt like I had met someone who 'understood' me and shared the same passions and interests. But at the same time as I had finally felt that I had found 'the one' or a 'one', I was falling incredibly ill - and fast. I didn't know what to do. So, of course, I kept pushing myself. I didn't want to loose this new relationship, and I felt like it was my fault for being the one who got sick. I was only twenty. Due to my illness, I couldn't go out to drink and party ( I was a sophomore in college) so I had lost ALL but one of my college friends and one of my high school friends. So, needless to say, I felt completely alone and was incredibly afraid. I was desperately trying to cling onto this relationship because it was all I had, and I felt that if I let it go it would be my fault that it failed, and that I would then be sick AND alone.
If you posses astute skills at inference, you may have already inferred that this relationship was NOT healthy. It was codependent on both accounts. I depended on him as my entire social and emotional outlet and in his own ways he was enmeshed with me. Because I was so sick, all I could see and all I could focus on was my health. My health was deteriorating, and fast. Within two months of beginning the relationship, I had withdrawn from school and was bedridden, living at my parents house. Because I was so sick, weak, and exhausted, I didn't have the strength or perception to leave the relationship.
As time went on the relationship became more and more toxic. Even though I was sick, bedridden, living in pain, and essentially felling as though I were waiting to die - I did not 'look' sick. Because I didn't look sick, the severity of my symptoms could not be adequately expressed or understood by those around me. Because of this, many thought or asked me if it were all in my head. As if my symptoms were some how psychosomatic or self-induced. The double edged sword of living with an invisible illness is that it is 1) usually incredibly hard to diagnose and 2) manifests symptoms internally, leaving no outward appearance to be seen by the eye. Once people started questioning the reality of my symptoms, I began to participate in more self-blame and now self-doubt. I felt even more as though it were my fault for getting sick, and that somehow I might be able to just think myself back into good health. WRONG.
Fast forward two years later, by 2011 I had gone back and forth in this relationship - still struggling with my chronic illness, but slowly moving towards better health. By this time he had become such a central point in my life that his friends were now all my friends and I was just happy to have some what of a social life going on. I didn't go out much, but when I did I actually had people there - a vast improvement from being abandoned by all of my friends two years before. However, as my health improved, so did my sense of self. I started to realize that these new friends were toxic and so was the relationship. I constantly participated in self blame and guilt. Allowing others to make me feel insanely bad about myself, but I kept hanging out with them. All of my love and energy had been invested in this group of people, because in my mind they had been around when others weren't. [which was actually....false] By 2012 I was SICK of it! I was sick of hating myself and sick of allowing others to let me hate myself. So I stopped. I started saying no and I started demanding to be respected and to stop being blamed for being ill. And wouldn't you know it, within weeks of standing up for myself all of these relationships crashed and burned. In this funeral pyre friendships, I was heartbroken, but I was me. Since then, I have been rebuilding my life. Alone. The two friends who stood by me through it all, one whom I met freshman year of college, the other from high school, are the only two people who I know will always support me, and I am incredibly indebted to their continued love and friendship.
But, even though it has been two years since I separated myself from those toxic relationships, I think subconsciously blamed myself. I always wondered - in the back of my head - if it really was my fault for all of them failing. That if I hadn't gotten sick, I would still be in a relationship, and still have a large group of friends. But yesterday I had the most invigorating moment of realization - a moment in which I saw, felt, and understood how far I have come.
All of this happened because I ran into someone who was part of this big group of friends I used to hang out with two years ago. Upon bumping into this person, I began engaging in the typical catching up conversations, in which I was filled in on everything that had happened since I stopped associating with them in 2011. And boy, did I end up leaving feeling AWESOME about myself. I finally felt like I had made the right decision. None of those people had changed, and they were still participating in the same unhealthy, manipulative, and selfish behaviors as they always had - but I could now see it much more clearly. It is amazing what a dose of good health can do for your sense of self. I was now able to say no, able to set up strong personal boundaries, and to respect myself. I didn't apologize for getting sick and I didn't feel guilty. Those relationships were unhealthy for me, irregardless of my health. And I felt so amazingly proud of myself for standing up those two years ago and putting a stop to it all. It was an intense feeling of satisfaction for the hard personal work I had put on myself these past two years, and how much I have grown. All of those people who I thought I needed, I didn't, and I was much better off with out them.
I don't wish them any harm or ill will, and I am sure they are doing much better in their lives without me, but I needed this moment of clarity to have a better understanding of myself and how I want/ed to be treated. I hope that you all have positive, loving people surrounding you. Don't ever feel like having and illness is your fault. It is not. You are not broken because you are sick. You are whole and you are worthy of being loved and treated with respect just for existing. If there is anyone in your life who makes you feel otherwise I hope that you can one day stand up for yourself as well and realize how truly amazing you are.
Until next time,
Feast From Within
No comments:
Post a Comment