Spirituality and Chronic Illness, Expanding my Channel

Spirit Junkie Masterclass with Gabrielle Bernstein

Spirituality and Chronic Pain

- An Ever Present Awareness of the Body-

Living with chronic pain and chronic illness has brought me closer to the ever present awareness of the human form, the body. I am in constant awareness of my body. What affects my body. 

My mood. 

My surrounding. 

Stress. Emotions. 

What I eat. 

How much I sleep. 

Exercise.

Friendships. 

Relationships. 

Family.

Everything affects how my body feels. 

Living with chronic pain or chronic illness raises awareness of what we put our body through. Even small daily occurrences - like going to the store - can become large, painful, and stressful events. We are forced to be constantly aware of limits and our surroundings. 

We begin to rationalize our lives. Try to see what we have time and energy to 'fit' in. It becomes a formula, a format. We begin to think, 

" Do I have the time or energy for this relationship?"

"Do the costs of time, energy, and pain outweigh the benefits of this relationship?"

"Do I have the energy to go to the store?"

To work? 

To have a 'life'?

We MUST consider these things daily. Often we plan our day around small events in order to have just enough energy and painless moments to do the smallest of things (shop, shower, socialize. etc)

We begin to think, "Is this life?"

Dark thoughts have easy access to our minds. They begin to make homes in our consciousness. We begin to feel lost. A complete sense of independence stolen, causing a devastating loss in our sense-of-self, our core identity gone. 

We want to be able to do everything again. To do what everyone else can do. We want to play with the other kids again. We don't want to sit on the sidelines anymore. 

But, chronic pain is a blessing. 

It is a gift.

Granted, it was never a gift I wanted. And it was not cherished when first received. It was placed in the deepest, darkest corner of the psyche. 

IT was rejected. 

It was ignored. 

So that it could not be real. 

But it is real.

 It is present. 

And it is NOT going away.

It wasn't the gift I wanted. But it was the gift I got. And it had a lot to teach me. 

The real gift wasn't the pain, but the awareness. 

I used to be so proud of my independence. I didn't think I needed anyone for anything and I thought I could do everything on my own. In my reality, I could take care of myself physically, mentally, and emotionally - and no one could tell me differently. 

But now I realize that it was all an illusion. My idea of independence wasn't self-reliance, it was self-sabotage, it was based in FEAR.

FEAR of others.

FEAR of love. 

FEAR of care.

I didn't want to ask anyone for help, because I didn't truly believe that I would get it, and if I did I thought it would come iwht a price - I would be hurt, somehow, emotionally. If I let myself open-up and be vulnerable, someone could crawl in and tear out the parts of me that could still feel. 

This fear of relying on, or opening up to others is truly a result of childhood. An aspect of life that deeply affects us all. Growing up in a home where I was not cared for mentally, physically, or emotionally by my parents - instilled in me a sense that I can not trust those who are the closest to me. That I can not trust those whom I am truly dependent on. That I can not expect others to take care of me. 

This realization was terrifying. At a young age, an age where I was dependent on others to care for me, I felt so abandoned. So alone. So afraid that I would not survive. I am surprised I survived. I don't know how.

But I did. 

I survived.

and I thrived. 

And then I got ill. Once I got sick I was thrown right back into a state of complete dependence on others. Complete dependence in order to survive. I was in the exact state I was in as a child. I could not care for myself, and my needs were often neglected by my parents. 

I was left praying to die. 

Somehow I didn't

I don't know why.

I was forced to be completely dependent on others - and I hated it! I didn't trust anyone and I thought the world was cruel for forcing me to face death, forcing me to pray for death, and forcing me to abandon all previous experiences or ideas of self, of independence. 

I had to look at the darkest aspects of life. I saw them. I saw the infinite darkness. Infinity. Existence. Death. I saw them all in the face and I didn't loose myself. I came back. I didn't die.

To this day I still struggle with what it means to be 'independent'. Chronic pain and illness has stripped me of my previous beliefs that 'I don't need anyone' and 'I don't need help'.

Chronic pain and illness forced me to realize that I do need help, that we all need help. And this was the gift that kept on giving. 

Humans have humans. 

That is how we survive. 

That is how we thrive. 

We care for each other. 

And in doing so we care for ourselves.

Understanding our helplessness. Our reliance on each other to continue living. To continue thriving. To continue existing on this Earth - Opened my awareness to what it means to be independent.

We are not separate.

We are not each our own. 

We are one.

There is no independence,

There is only interdependence